Title: Shalom Haver
Author: Rotem Shahar
Feedback: no, please dont send any. I just needed a
way to vent my emotions and this was the result. I
really dont care for feedback on this either way.
Categories: SAR
Keywords: MSR, cancerfic, character death, AU
Spoilers: Cancer arc
Rated: PG
Archive: YES, where ever it might end up is fine as
long as the headers stay with it.
Summary: Scully's diary entries, then Mulder POV, and
a third person POV ending.
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine, they all
belong to CC and 1013 and FOX....no infringement is
intended...


~*~
~*~
October 16, 1997

Mulder brings me files and we pretend that everything
is fine, that everything is normal. I was transferred
out of the hospital and to my mother's house. I'd
rather be surrounded by familiar people and objects,
not in some sterile hospital room. 

I can still walk around the house, but it's hard.

Every few steps I have to rest and catch my breath,
everything I do is in slow, painstaking movements...I
wonder sometimes if it would be better to be convicted
of a capital crime; at least I'd die by painless
injection instead of feeling the cancer eat away at my
body and seeing my family in pain.

I dont tell anyone about my thoughts, but I'm sure
Mulder knows what I'm thinking. 

~*~
October 17

It's getting harder and harder to do every day
activities that most take for granted. I can no longer
wander the halls, nor can I breathe on my own. A
respirator was brought in. Writing is becoming harder
and harder for me. My hands shake as I write, and I'm
afraid that they will not be able to read the letters

I am trying to write to them as my final words.

~*~
October 18

They offered a 24 hour hospice in home, and both my
mom and Mulder thought it would be a good idea.
They're telling me that its ok to be weak, its ok to
let go. And that they wont love me any less for it.

~*~
October 19

I feel the life as it drains out of me. There's a
steady stream of visitors. Skinner, Langly, Byers, and
Frohike; they all come to visit. Some of my friends
from college and high school whom I've managed to stay
in touch with have also come to visit. They sit and
talk, some pray.

~*~
October 20

I can no longer speak. All that comes out is a hoarse,
raspy whisper.

I've told everyone not to come visit me anymore. I
don't have the energy. I only allow my family to see
me like this.

I better tell mom to call Charlie and Bill. I'd really
like to see them once more.

~*~
October 21

Bill and Charlie booked flights as soon as mom called
them. They arrived early this morning. Mom tells me
that they didn't believe it was actually happening,
that it was true. They come in and sit with me,
alternating every hour. I guess that's as much as they
could take at a time.

~*~
October 22

I've given up on the letters. I can't write more than
a few words without needing a break.

Mulder stays with me all day now, he doesn't leave my
side.

~*~
October 23


I won't let anyone else into the room. More like they
knock and if Mulder answers they enter, but if not
they leave. He is the only one I want to be with, the
only one I want to share my last moments with.

~*~
~*~
October 24

She can't eat solid foods anymore. I asked Maggie to
run out and buy some baby food so she could eat.
It's harder for her to drink also. She needs help
sitting up, and must rest before she can take a sip of
water.

~*~
October 25

Her cries of pain pierce the night. I called the
doctor to get him to raise her prescription or to
switch her to a more powerful medicine. He switched
her onto morphine.

With this switch come side effects. The doctor said
that she'd be alseep most of the time and when she
woke up she probably wouldn't recognize us.

~*~
October 26

Her moans of pain mixed in with pleas for help are
almost unbearable. Giving her medicine every four
hours is not enough. I need to talk to the nurse about
this.

I read to her. 

A few days ago I asked her what she
wanted to hear, and imagine my surprise when she asked
me to read Harry Potter. I was finally able to get a
copy of the books today, and I promptly started
reading. We're almost done with the first book
already.

~*~
October 27

When the nurse saw the extreme pain Scully is in she
doubled the prescription, without the doctor's orders.
When the doctor came in to check up on her, he stated
that doubling her dosage was rediculous and not
recommended.

I argued with him long and hard, and finally told him
that whether he approves of it or not, I'd be giving
her twice his recommended amount.

~*~
October 28

The doctor authorized the doubling of her medication
today. My long arguing with him and ignoring his
prescription seem to have worked.

I would rather her not be in pain and not recognize us
than have her in extraordiary amounts of pain that no
one should live through and know exactly what is going
on.

~*~
October 29

She sleeps all day now. 

I still read to her. If I didn't I'd feel as though I
were letting her down. Not fulfilling my obligations
towards her.

~*~
October 30

Scully's feeling a bit better, she can breathe on her
own again. She asked to be taken off of the
respirator. I can only hope that this is the start of
a gradual increase in health, but I'm not optimistic.

She's stopped eating. Before, she at least ate a few
spoons full. Now she doesn't eat a thing.

~*~
~*~
October 31

"Promise me," Scully said, drawing in her last breaths
of air, "Promise me that you'll keep fighting."

"I promise." Mulder whispered.

Satisfied with his answer, she slipped away in his
arms. And as the silent tears rolled down his cheeks,
he knew he had to keep his promise.

~*~
~*~

The End.